Faded
by September Severtana
Summary: Dean's done a lot of stupid things, but he'll do more than that to get Castiel back from Purgatory, including getting himself into a seriously powerful spell. What could go wrong?
**This oneshot ignores any canon past S8E6, just so you guys know. Please read and review!**

* * *

Cas,

I find issues with people making things my problem. Once someone makes it my problem, I can't just let it go. My little brother is dying, I have to sell my soul so he can live. Lilith wants to open Lucifer's Cage, you can bet I'll be there to stop her. The apocalypse is imminent, I drive to where the big battle is, instead of driving as far as I can away from it. If I'm in deep, I'll always find a way to dig myself and as many others out as I can.

When you let go of my hand in Purgatory, after all the times I told you _I would get you out,_ I couldn't just move on. There are consequences to everything, no matter how small, and this is big.

You should know that I won't stop looking for you. So there.

No bureaucratic angels or double-crossing demons or monsters or humans or cases can get in my way.

I know if you're listening you'd be shaking your head at me in that infuriating way that makes me want to strangle you and kiss you at the same time. Too bad. You made this my problem by steadily worming into my soul. You're good at that. I hate it.

Don't disappear on me. I'm going to find you.

-Dean

* * *

It's been a few weeks since Dean got out of Purgatory, and Sam's already worried. Normally, Dean won't talk about things, but there's a lost look in his eyes, and Sam can help with that, even if it takes months. Sam doesn't know what to do with the determination, that set in his brother's jaw that doesn't bode well for anything that gets in his way.

"Dean, what's going on with you?"

His brother shakes his head. "Nothing."

Sam sighs. "Really, Dean? Are we going to do this again? I know all of your tells. Something's up."

"Nothing's up. Really, it's fine."

Dean is a terrible liar. Sam knows that, but he still doesn't push. If he pushes, Dean pushes back harder, and nothing good comes out of that. He can't leave it alone, but he has to. There's no way to help without screwing with Dean more than he's already been screwed with. Sam just hopes Dean stops drinking so much.

"Alright then. How about this case in Tennessee?"

* * *

Cas,

I found a spell today. It says it can bring back that which is lost, but at great personal cost. Well, personal cost is basically the only way the Winchesters work, so I'm not too worried. If the spell can reach you, I don't care what happens to me.

Don't look at me like that. It doesn't work if you're not here. It won't work on me, Castiel. Stop it.

Stop it now.

Whatever. Some of the ingredients are off the beaten path, but that's fine. I've ordered them with the least used credit card, and if anybody messes with the merchandise...I'll just shoot 'em, I guess.

The spell I'm using also as a reversal, because as it says, "The effects can be painful". Painful ain't even on my spectrum anymore. I'm far past that now. Hopefully the personal cost is a bit more of a challenge than just "painful".

I want to get you back. Painful is more so when you're not here to do the healing touch on me. It might not even be the angel touch that heals. Maybe it's just yours.

Wish me luck.

-Dean

* * *

Garth swears at the two of them. Idjits. Clearly, Sam is upset at Dean for keeping secrets, and Dean is under an energy-draining spell.

Sam's anger can be dealt with later, but Dean's problem is pretty bad.

There are certain spells that have bad enough side effects to only appeal to the really desperate. Some of them include soul-selling, a burning sensation taking years to move through the body, a particularly temperamental invisible spirit following the person, and in this case, a gradual depletion of life force.

What kind of situation would cause Dean to use that kind of spell?

Those spells are like the old genie stories, where the genie grants your wish, but at a much greater cost than the recipient thought. For example, someone wishes for a million dollars, but their very loved and wealthy uncle dies to give the person their money.

"Can I talk to you alone, Dean?" Garth asks out of the blue. Sam shrugs and waves his brother away.

"Is this about the case?" Dean's eyes are dull-colored, but have a manic light in them. He's determined, that's very bad.

"Nope. This is about the Balance of Loss spell."

The man sitting across from him immediately takes a defensive stance. "It's none of your business. The spell can bring Cas back from Purgatory, end of story."

"I believe the description specifies 'to return what is lost to a state of being found, at great personal cost'. However, spells like that never say the personal cost unless you read the fine print. Did you read the fine print?"

Dean looks pretty sheepish, so Garth assumes he hasn't.

"Do even know what will happen to you if Cas comes back? The process takes ninety days in which your life force will drain out of your body, and when what is lost is found, there has to be an equal trade-off. All the pain it took you to leave Purgatory will hit you again in your weakened state, and you may not survive that."

Dean shakes his head. "It doesn't matter. There are so few ways to get out, even as a human, that an angel has even less chance. This is the best way."

Garth folds his arms defiantly. "You won't be any good to Castiel dead. He won't want you to break him out like this."

"I don't care what he thinks anymore."

"Obviously you do."

The two of them stare each other down until Sam shouts to take a look at the article he just found. Garth knows Dean won't reverse the spell. The only one that could change his mind is in Purgatory, hence the problem.

* * *

Cas,

Sam's wondering why I'm sleeping all the time and letting him drive Baby. I can't tell him the truth. He'll try to get all protective, and then I'll have to shoot him. No one...no one's getting...

Sorry, I fell asleep right there.

I'll make it through this. Even if I have to get Benny to help with the cases and Garth as extra backup, I won't just fall over. It isn't even a question, so stop asking.

I can still be a hunter with a serious need to sleep and missing a few pounds. It'll only make me faster. If I eat less, it'll only draw less attention to the credit cards. I'm still sharp as a tack and have a shitload of stubbornness. Nothing can keep me from seeing you again.

I have to apologize to you in person. And shoot you. And also hug you. And maybe throw you in the washing machine, because there aren't any of those in Pur...

Sorry, fell asleep again.

I'll keep going if it kills me. Don't think I won't.

-Dean

* * *

Kevin reads all the signs of malnutrition, insomnia, and lethargy in Dean, and gives Sam a look.

 _What's going on?_ he asks.

 _He's being stupid,_ Sam answers, but that's about as much detail as Kevin can glean. He's a more accomplished prophet than a face-reader.

He shrugs. There's always something with the Winchesters.

* * *

Cas,

It's been 67 days, and I can barely run around anymore. Every instinct I have is screaming at me. I'm so tired all the time.

Your face is getting fuzzier in my mind every day. I miss your stupid head tilts...and stupid questions, and your stupid, stupid big eyes. You're amazing. So amaz...

Ugh, this is exhausting. I'm going to go to bed now. This chair is uncomfortable.

I used to sleep with your coat, you know. Before. You took it back, though...

Come back.

-Dean

* * *

Benny raises his eyebrow. "What the Hell happened?"

"You know Dean. He does incredibly bullheaded things sometimes." Sam drags his brother's unmoving body from the small boat they'd come in on to the dock, taking extra care that Dean doesn't get a concussion. Benny thinks that's pointless. If Dean did something bullheaded with Benny, he would knock him around as much as possible to snap him out of it. Clearly, Sam doesn't think that's an option.

"He still beating himself up for leaving Castiel?" That's the only thing Benny can think of that Dean would go all gooey-eyed and stupid for. Anybody with half a brain could see it. That angel had Dean wrapped around his little finger.

"Yeah, but it's more than that. He got himself mixed up in some serious hoodoo. There are very few things I can think of that would produce this effect on someone." Sam runs a hand through his hair. "I've tried everything to get him to wake up, but he won't respond."

Benny kneels down and examines his friend/brother. Dean has all the signs of a person that's been drained too many times, but the issue is different. "I think his body's shutting down in preservation. It's slowing his heartbeat and bodily functions to keep him alive longer. I've seen this happen to vampire victims. It's most likely a spell, judging by the mark on his arm, but my guess is the same. He's got maybe a week."

"A week more than he would have gotten or a week left to live period?"

"Both. He would have died today, and by the ink on his arm, that would have left him four days short of his goal."

Sam kneels down with Benny and stares at the mark, which has a date, and another date three months later. "How did I not notice that?"

"You didn't want to. You didn't want to interfere with what Dean was doing."

"He wouldn't have stopped."

"No, he wouldn't have."

"Can you watch him while I go to the store?"

"Sure." Benny can't help but wonder if Sam would have forgiven him if Dean hadn't been an idiot. Probably not.

* * *

Cas,

I love you. I'm sorry I never said. But this is just in case I don't make it. Don't read this otherwise.

I'm not kidding.

-Dean

* * *

One moment, Castiel is running as fast as he can from a group of ghouls, the next moment, he's on a dock, facing a boat called _Andrea._ He doesn't know how he got here, but all he wants to do is sit down. He hasn't sat down in a while.

Cas knocks on the door and Benny answers it. He smiles. "So the bastard really did it. I thought he'd die trying, but he's always been a determined sonuvabitch."

When he walks in, he finds Dean lying on a cot, no red in his cheeks, no color, no furrowed brow, no secret smile or stubborn jaw. Just his soul, fuzzy and tired. It would be so easy for him to slip away, and Castiel doesn't like that one bit.

He carefully puts his hands on Dean's T-shirt-covered chest and seeps as much healing power as he can into it. Cas feels Dean's heart restart, his lungs contract. He's okay. He's okay, Cas reminds himself.

"Wha...what happened?" Dean asks blearily, putting his hands on his head. His vision should be clearing up right now.

"You performed a very risky spell to pull me out of Purgatory, and now that I know you're out of harm's way, I'm going to give you the silent treatment," Castiel replies, sitting on the edge of the cot and folding his arms, purposefully looking away from Dean.

Dean huffs, maneuvering himself so that his arms can wrap comfortably around Castiel and his head can rest on Castiel's shoulder. "It's fine. You're back, so it was worth it."

Cas lets the smallest smile cross his face.

* * *

Dean,

You did not react admirably to my separation from you. Your actions, however good-intentioned, were unadvisable and I am quite angry. The Balance of Loss spell is dangerous for even strong, supernatural beings to use, and I cannot believe you would use it for me.

Thank you for caring about me that much.

I love you.

-Castiel


End file.
